Did you know that June 9 is National Take Your Daughter to the Range Day? Now you do, and you have no excuse not to participate.

“But Amazon,” you say. “I don’t have a daughter to take to the range with me!”

There are plenty of women out there who didn’t have a father who loved them enough to teach them to shoot. Why not take one of them to the range? Can’t find a woman to go with you? Go by yourself and put in some practice hours, so that if you ever do have a daughter, you can train her up like Annie Oakley.

Here’s why every father should make sure his little pumpkin can shoot a gun:

  • Young women are bombarded with messages in the media that insist they have to look a certain way, weigh a certain amount, and wear certain clothes, or no boy will ever ask them to prom. But a shooting range is a judgment-free zone. No one cares whether you just had a break-out, or if your jeans are from Abercrombie, or you gained 15 pounds.  Wouldn’t you rather your daughter spend time at the range on Saturdays than at the mall?
  • Guns don’t kill people, but they are still potentially deadly weapons when used as such. And what better way to instill confidence in a girl than to trust her with a potentially deadly weapon, and teach her to wield it properly?
  • Much like drugs, if you don’t talk to your children about guns, someone else will. Do you really want to take the chance that the person talking to your daughter about guns is some dopey women’s studies teacher who says things like “the very presence of a weapon offends?”
  • Gun ownership is like a vaccine against against dating liberals. If you want your daughter to attract the right kind of red-blooded conservative guy and repel the kinds of men who wear ironic t-shirts and play frisbee, make sure that she has a gun or two in her home and a decorative glass jar full of spent casings displayed prominently on her book shelf.
  • Most importantly, the world is a dangerous place. Whether we’re talking about home invasions, rape attempts, or the zombie apocalypse, you want to give your daughter the best possible chance of making her way through life without being a victim.

“You all knew that some things are worth dying for. One’s country is worth dying for, and democracy is worth dying for, because it’s the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man. All of you loved liberty. All of you were willing to fight tyranny, and you knew the people of your countries were behind you.”

-Speech on June 6, 1984

There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask my fellow 20-somethings: Do you ever feel like politicians are trolling you?

Consider, if you will, the current fight over student loan rates. It’s a classic election year issue: all soundbite, no real bite. The rate “increase” will apply to a very small portion of the student loan-paying population, and won’t do anything to address the structural problems that have made student loan debt a concern in the first place. But the Democrats in Congress and President Obama are railing about the interest rate going up with nothing short of all-caps Youtube comment intensity. And now we have Mitt Romney and the congressional Republicans countering with proposals that would extend the rate cut, as long as the $6 billion cost comes out of the budget somewhere else.

So, one cut to one small category of student loans for a small portion of the people who pay student loans, and it’s being tossed around in traditional political football style, with all the players yelling and pointing fingers at each other.  And we 20-somethings are supposed to be getting riled up, so that we’ll turn out on election day and vote for the person who will save us from scary student loan interest rates.

Um, no thanks.

Note to politicians: Please stop pretending that this is an issue worth getting worked up over. Instead, here’s a short list of some issues that are actually going to effect huge swathes of my demographic:

  • College costs keep rising, while the actual value of a degree is dropping. The student loan problem only exists because the cost of a college education is growing at a rate that outstrips inflation, healthcare costs, or average salaries.
  • There just aren’t enough jobs to go around. The unemployment rate is highest for people in the 25-34 age bracket, and all the stimulus results promised to us just haven’t made things better fast enough for the last three years worth of college graduates who left school only to move back in with their parents, work at Starbucks, and prompt any number of three-hankie tearjerker stories from the New York Times about the plight of young people. Of course, the common solution proposed in these stories tends to be along the lines of “government subsidies all around!”
  • Even if we manage to find jobs, pay off our loans, move out of the parents’ basement and become productive citizens, we’re just going to end up bankrupted by the soaring cost of entitlement programs that our Baby Boomer predecessors didn’t have the stomach to tackle.

So please, Obama, Romney and Congress: Stop trying to convince us that student loan rates are the real issue here. We know you’re just trying to get a rise out of us, and will promptly cease to care on November 7th.

Sometimes, when I want to torture myself and risk raising my blood pressure to unhealthy levels, I read blog comments. Apparently, there are people in this world whose reaction to the recent news item about a naked drug addict eating the face of a homeless man isn’t to ask “WTF” over and over again, and make zombie jokes.

These people, probably the same ones who post “awareness-raising” material on Facebook in their spare time, are currently pulling out the soap boxes and exercising their right to self-righteousness by questioning why the police officer who arrived at this grisly scene shot the perp instead of finding a more humane way of stopping him from eating someone’s face.

Let’s get something straight here, guys: If there is ever a time when a police officer should go ahead with lethal force, it’s to stop a murder in progress. A guy is literally eating another guy’s face, slowly killing him in a horrifying way, and the officer who responds to the scene is supposed to take the time to work his way up the force ladder until he finds something that works? If you’re the person whose face is getting eaten, you probably want to officer to go ahead and use his most effective tool as quickly as possible, and fire as many shots as it takes to get him to stop the attack.

And if that means that the perp ends up dead? That’s the price you pay for trying to eat another man’s face.

Cap and trade might be dead in the water thanks to moderate Dems in the Senate, but don’t think for a minute that Obama has given up on wrecking the economy.

The EPA’s 2011 budget request includes $43 million in new funding for their plan to regulate greenhouse gases. Who needs a vote on cap and trade when Obama’s cabinet can go right ahead and enforce his agenda without any kind of vote?

In other words, get ready to start paying more for your electricity bill!

Today’s unreasonable whining comes from the Huffington Post, where a college grad who racked up $100,000 in student debt complains about said debt.

Let me get this straight: Sara chose an expensive private school even though she was offered a full ride to her state school, studied abroad in the United Kingdom, and now says “I’m not stupid, but I’m still not sure what I’ve gotten myself into and all those zeros are overwhelming. Hopefully if my mom keeps working her second job and I keep driving my jalopy Toyota around for the rest of my life, we can pay it off before I’m 80.”

For comparison, I went to one of my last choice schools (a state school in South Carolina) because they offered the lowest tuition and most AP credit.  Once I got there, I found a job working retail 20-30 hours a week so that I could pay most of my own expenses.  Then I took extra courses so that I could graduate early, and skipped the study abroad because it didn’t fit my budget or early graduation time line.

And guess what?  I still managed to enjoy my time in college, take great classes, meet great people and find a great job once I graduated, with no debt.  So no, I don’t really feel bad for people who willingly take on $100,000 in loans for their UNDERGRADUATE degree.  Especially because the solution they recommend usually has something to do with taxpayers footing their extravagant college experience, or government protecting them from evil student lenders.

I plan to keep a folder of stories like these, so that when my hypothetical kids are preparing to go to college, I can offer them up some examples of what it means to choose the private school at the expense of your future.

Now the recession is hurting the romantic lives of Washington D.C.’s resident douchebags:

“It’s been incredibly stressful for me,” said Neil Welsh, 27, the guy in the suit, who until last year was marketing director for a booming real estate company. “I was so used to using my financial situation to leverage my dating.”

I demand to know why our President did not see fit to address this harsh reality in his speech last night.  It’s not enough that families are being forced out of their homes, now there are more men wandering around having to rely on their personalities to win the ladies:

Alexandria native Niko Papademitriou, 27, became an investment banker with a Cleveland firm soon after he graduated from college. The money was steady enough for him to fly regularly to Manhattan to see his girlfriend and take her to upscale restaurants such as Bond Street and Cafe Gray.

“A large aspect of my life — three out of the first five conversations that we had — I told her, ‘You’re not going to see much of me in the next 15 years if we start dating, because I’m going to be making a lot of money.’ ” He thinks that worked in his favor, “not so much for the money, but for the drive. It’s one of those things in men that women find attractive.”

It may be tough now, Niko, but I’m rooting for you crazy kids!  Because if there’s anything the hot women of America should be able to count on through thick and thin, it’s that their men will be able to spend 15 years ignoring them in order to earn a ton of money.  In fact, I blame my single status on the fact that too many of the men I meet – be they interns, grad students, physicists or computer geeks – are too willing to spend time with me when they should be out getting rich enough to buy me sparkly things and steak dinners!

In other words, this isn’t just hurting men – it’s hurting the women who would otherwise date them:

For Natalie Huddleston, 27, a marketer at a law firm, dating itself is on hold. Standing with her girlfriends on an outdoor deck of the Eighteenth Street Lounge, nursing a Manhattan, the Arlington resident said men ask her out much less since the market crash.

“They’re spending more time at networking events, happy hours, with their guy friends — trying to get leads on jobs, rather than spending it on women,” she said. “I feel bad for the guys who don’t have jobs.”

Bad enough to date them? She smiled and shook her head. “I guess I’m kind of traditional. So if a guy can’t really take you out or doesn’t have the money or the state of mind to take girls out, then it’s not going to go anywhere.”

We can’t go on like this. That’s why I’m urging you to call your senators and representatives, and demand that they include a bailout for formerly wealthy single men in their next stimulus package.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.